Please Visit Our Sponsor
The First "Bob"tist Church and Loan of New Mexico, Inc.
Eternal Salvation --- Easy Monthly Payments
Rev. Dr. Abe P. Ervert, Pastor and CEO
L. Owen Sha'ark, Cantor, Acoloyte and Collections
Welcome, Friends, to the First "Bob"tist Church and Loan of New
Mexico, Inc. Online Minstry!
You'll PAY to know what you
really think!
Friends! Do you LACK SLACK? Do you seek a short-duration personal
savior who will not judge you, will not hobble you, WILL NOT MAKE YOU
PUSH LITERATURE DOOR TO DOOR, but simply takes your money and shuts
up? Are you not a member of a law enforcement agency? Do you make
more than $60,000 (U.S.) per year? Then perhaps I, the Reverend Abe
P. Ervert, am the preacher for you. Certain restrictions apply. Offer by prospectus only. May cause drowsiness, use caution
while operating heavy machinery or having sex with your Significant
Other before the pastor has checked out zir handling characteristics.
Only Yeti need apply. Free prospectus: $30.
Eternal SALVATION --- Easy Monthly Payments
Friends, the First "Bob"tist Church and Loan of New Mexico, Inc. is
the only church in the county that offers you an unconditional, TRIPLE
YOUR MONEY BACK GUARANTEE that your Eternal Soul will be saved and traded for valuable prizes. In addition, when you
invest your eternal soul and excess cash (no personal checks, please),
you reserve a special place on the pleasure saucers of the X-ist Sex
Goddesses. We aren't exactly sure if that place is in the First Class
Overman section or the larder, but really, does it matter if you get
the slack now?
How do I join, Reverend Abe?
Well, friend, I'm glad you asked. You see, the First "Bob"tist Church
and Loan of New Mexico, Inc. is an equal opportunity savior and
lender. Our Salvation package requires a simple, one page loan
application and a one-time application fee of $30. Simply place your
$30 in unmarked bills in a manilla envelope along with your name,
address, telephone number, social security number, left ear, and a map
of the route your youngest child takes to school every morning, sit on
the envelope for a week (so "Bob" can Wiffread your Pstench), and then
place the envelope behind the hot water pipes in the 3rd floor men's
bathroom at the Albuquerque Hilton. L. Owen Sha'ark will be in touch
with you shortly with your church membership, a loan check and a few
papers to sign.
What do I do in the mean time?
Well, I'd suggest visiting the website of the mother church and buying some
Church literature. Then look around the web for some Links-O-Slack.
Sadly, Reverend Abe P. Ervert deleted our list of interesting
Subgenius sites, but we remembered a few of them and we expect that
Rev. Ervert will be able to remember a few more of them if we up the voltage
on the clamps connected to his nipple rings over the next few days.
Hey, Reverend Ervert! I have lots of extra computer cycles to
spare!
Really? Isn't that wonderful for you. Have you considered running SETI@home with them?
If you download SETI@home and get it running, you can help the
Subgenii search for extra terrestrial life in the hopes of finding
X-ist Space Vixens and a lift off this rock. Download the software,
register as a user, then join the "Subgenii" group. Be one of the
Yeti for SETI!
So SYNC UP! Eat the hell out of a hamburger and send $30 to the
Church of the Subgenius, PO Box PO Box 181417,
Cleveland Hts, OH 44118 TODAY!
Take our totally scientific Poll on Human Sexuality.
