+ growing up: three easy steps

[prologue]

think back:

when i was a little girl.

i knew i'd be socially fit when i grew up.

i'd be pretty gorgeous glamourous smiling.

even on television i would not not gain ten pounds.

i would be their next teen dream i would.

i didn't gain ten pounds not ten not any i didn't.

emotional emaciation was the true result of my starvation, though:

another teenage wrist slit. empty inside. ugly out.

i'd become all i wanted to annihilate.

....and embraced the ashes of grief over lost ideals the spoils

the spoils grow the spoils morally bankrupt defiant and they

mock me : our sincerest apologies for your untimely demise,

little girl.

[one]

(exit ingenue enter destiny)

crossing into adulthood i fell in love once i fell

i fell in love for the first time blissful, yes!

stricken only by naivete : first love.

so i took as much as he could throw;

surely, i took as much as i could.

i took as much as he could....not.

fell to my knees for my dirty deity.

fell to my knees declared him my saviour.

fell to my knees....he would not let me up.

holding me groveling, he growled: " you stupid little girl."

expelling/ingesting the saline, choking on his crucifix.

saviours aren't all on the same end of murder.

[two]

so soft she felt me so soft under me below

i flew so high she melted with my sun

the residue of melted plastic love burning my fingers

i'd never touch the exquisite never be able to love her

so much it broke us devoid of smiles i tried so hard

the two little girls unable to embrace

empty again. over.....

.....and out.

hope receded into the voids along with health

my system of coping failed system failure!

all systems down not immune so frail.

[three]

frail you met me frail unknowing

immune i'd never let you in but now oh yes!

near delerious i think i met you

this is love i say

this is love, mature, this time

this is love, you know

but you don't. know. no.

i could never remain

plink broken heart drops plink

"you're just a little girl, there will be more"

and one by one our shadows fell

bare light so harsh blinds then reveals :

your departure - unheard, unseen, yet felt.

[epilogue]

tonight the wind is bitter and the fire strong

lacrymose my tears fall into the flame hiss spit

hiss spit smoke hides me hides until

denoument : flames die down, even embers gone.

i remain little more than a stain a pit

an empty fire a pit desolate, barren

save the memorabilia scar tissue battered flesh

oh yes memories to be buried inside

file under "desolation, the inevitable"

the corpse stumbles on , dolls and dreams charred,

the "bright young woman" emerged.

+ c. davis

+ october 1999